Ya'll... I'm missin' my ex forreal. It's just like no matter what I do, I still love him and I know I always will. No matter the time when I was going through my "playa phase" again after we broke up, sexin' Nick, dating Weezy, meeting all those other guys... none of them compared to him. I know Kadarrius and I ended on bad terms but we're getting back to how we used to be. We have fun on the phone, joke, pick on each other like we used to. Whenever he gets online he IMs me ASAP. It's been a while since I've just chilled out and realized I still love him. At one point I felt like I was fine and didn't need him and all the bullshit he said about me... I felt invisible to it and it didn't hurt... when in reality it did. I tried to have the "pride" issue of I'm fine, I'm not crying over someone who isn't crying over me... when it came down to it... we still love each other and regardless what we did to each other since the break up... we both knew the feelings of each other. Maybe I'm only fooling myself even realizing these feelings are still there. Maybe, maybe not, but it's the chance I have to take. Everybody's saying for me not to go back to him, he's a player, etc. Yeah, I used to think that, too, until I came to realize, since when did I ever go on what a bitch says over my man? Bitches make up all kinna shyt when it comes to them wanting something you have, especially a man that's treating his girl right. The only thing I hated was how many female friends he had, which, I let go of all my male friends for him, so, I guess it would have been the same way if I never let my male friends go. The break up was the best thing I think that could have ever happened. Maybe we'll get back together, maybe not... but it's taught me how to be and how not to be in any future relationship. I know I had a good man, and I know we had the faults... and I should have went to him first without assuming shit. I know it wasn't all my fault... maybe some of my intuition was right, but now I just feel like, whatever happens, happens. If I get cheated on... whatever, that's on them to deal with losing a woman who rode for them to a whore. If I get lied to... it's on that man to come to terms that he's lying to someone he proclaims he loves. I love Kadarrius too much to even try to control his emotions or his actions. If girls call his phone, fine, he knows where home and love is. I guess I should have realized all this in the beginning... to learn to trust without suspicion and insecurities. I should have saw I had a good man... and he should have saw he had a good woman. Behind every good man... there's a good woman, right? Ya'll just have no idea how much I care about him... I know my actions of being a "playa" the past few months don't show that he's my heart... but it was a phase of being hurt and trying to deal with losing the love I thought was going to last. Everyone goes through it... whatever I choose to do, I know I've got to stay honest to myself and if we choose to get back together... I've got to love him without losing myself this time.
Ya'll look at this... I made it yesterday when listening to Dru Hill's "Never Stopped Loving You"
BUTTA bytched @ 10:51 PM
