"this is something that I gotta do..."

I know ya'll are probably gonna think I don't know what I truly want right now. And it's partially right because my ex is playing tug a war with me and it's getting on my last nerve. Right after I wrote the blog below, he truly pissed me off to no extent. I was even talking to my mom about things and she was like "Cayla, it's okay to look over some things that hurt sometimes, but it's not okay to sugar coat everything he does if it's hurting you..." That's some words of wisdom, I'm going to carry for a while. I mean it's like I was having fun being single, but then I wanted him back. But when I think about things, do I really want to be in a relationship where I can't have male friends? I can't associate with anyone that I had dealings with my in past? I can't even be around one of my best friends, because he doesn't like her. Do I really wanna be with someone who controls me, even though he says he doesn't? Do I really want to put myself back into something like that? Feeling like I have to tip toe and do everything to keep a happy home happy for HIS sake. That's not love... and all these little emails I've found from females saying, "I'm so glad that we're together Kadarrius, blah blah blah" and then I talk to one of the girls ON THE PHONE and she says they've been dating since November or December. WHAT THE FUCK???? He's been with me since October and we broke up in February. But he has this way of making me believe him, guess it's true when they say love blinds you, huh? He always made me feel like everything was my fault when I know it wasn't. It was just much as his as it was mine. He could never understand my emotions, neither... in the beginning he could, but I guess he got too comfortable and forgot how to be my man and companion and shoulder to lean on...

I've got all my guy friends back and more since me and Kadarrius have had our split. But... there's this one guy in particular... *look below and you'll see his pictures* that Kadarrius couldn't stand me talking to because me and Juan have had been together before. Well, we've rekindled our relationship and things are cool between us. I saw him tonight, we went over to my homegirl's house and kicked it for a while, left there and then we were just in his car and we started kissing... things led a little further but there was no sex, not to that point at least. And I mean, I do love Kadarrius, but being honest as the person I am, if I truly still loved him as I said I did, I would have never even thought about kissing Juan or kicking it with him like that. So, obviously the feelings have faded by a long shot. I still care and he's always going to be my baby, but as things look right now, I can't put myself into a situation where I feel like I'm not worth everything that I know I am. I know he cares about me, but it's not on that level of where it used to be and until things are that way again and all feelings are back in tact, I can't do it. Usher said it best... "you gonna learn, you gotta let it burn..." & this whole Juan thing... I mean, it's cool... I didn't know I missed him that much though. I saw him 2 weeks ago but it was only for like 15 minutes, then he called me up because he was @ A&T and said he wanted to come through and holla at me, so he comes to my neighborhood and when I saw him, I was just like... damn that's what's up! Emotionally and relationship wise, I can never see Juan as "Cayla's man material"... I used to could but I can't now, I guess because we went through some bullshit once before, too. But I don't know, that's mah boii. Anyways let me cut this blog because I know ya'll are tired of reading it.

LEAVE ME SOME COMMENTS!!! OH AND I WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE I HAD 14 COMMENTS! LOL. I LOVE YOU GUYS... HERE'S SOME LOVE BACK TO YAH...

LaLa Ebony Shekinah Exhale Julie Vicky Latorria Crystal Sarah Keri Allie Ebony (again! lol) Jen Tukute


BUTTA bytched @ 10:32 PM