I've been on Live Journal, though. I'm kinna feelin' that vibe and love they show me. I'm not giving up my personal site, neva that. But if you got LJ... add NelzBabyGurl to your list and I'll add you back.
BUTTA bytched @ 11:45 PM
Thursday, July 29, 2004
I'm lovin' this song. Usher is doing his thing... I wish this woulda been the beginning of Confessions not the other Confessions Pt. 1. As if a man would actually come forth and tell his girl he's been cheatin' on her? Shit, not these days. I got a lot on my mind... so let me get my type on.
I don't even know what's wrong with me... sometimes I just get upset, mad, hurt over the smallest shit. I've been through so much shit in the past with not only exes but my family... I've been hurt a lot and I truly thought I was over being hurt easy. Maybe it's because I'm in a new relationship and I'm letting my guard down to another man? I told myself I wouldn't date anyone seclusive for a while after that last one... and I didn't. I ain't gon' lie... all I did was sex a couple kats up and I dipped. I know a lot of that was because I wasn't over KD and what he did to me... it's crazy how my body, mind and soul... is caring so much about Eazy. He makes me happy, which all relationships do in the beginning, but it's deeper than that and I'm scared because it's all happening so fast. I know he won't do anything to hurt me... but I'm scared of failure once again. If I have a failed relationship after this one, I'm not dating anyone for atleast 9 months. I can't say I won't date again, because I will, but I'm taking that time for me. Sometimes I can be okay and I just think about the girls my man sexed up before me and that shit be gettin' to me. I know it's over and it's the past and them girls ain't got shit on me and his relationship... but damn, I be wondering sometimes... if shit's the same with me as it was them. I don't think it would bother me as much if I hadn't met one of the bitches he fucced. After he sexed with her, she fell in love with him & was all about him. But it gets to me that he fucced her 3 times, and she told him, "if you didn't want a relationship, you shouldn't have had sex with me..." partially she right, I used to be naive that every guy that sexed me wanted to pursue something further, when it wasn't that at all. They saw access to cut and did it. I know I can't be getting mad about that because that was before me, but I guess it's because as I said... I've seen her, I know who she is, and she still wants my man. I don't play that shit. She hasn't ever said anything to me... and I'll be damned if she does now, because that's MY man. I just guess there's still insecurities in the back of my mind because of 90% of me exes cheating on me or lying to me. I know I can't bring that into the future, but shyt, sometimes you've got to protect yourself before settling down in a relationship thinking everythings all good. Hmm, this blog was pointless but I needed to get it outta my mind. I'll return the love... I'll be ghost until Sunday. Leave me some love... *sighs*
BUTTA bytched @ 1:14 PM
I don't even know what's wrong with me... sometimes I just get upset, mad, hurt over the smallest shit. I've been through so much shit in the past with not only exes but my family... I've been hurt a lot and I truly thought I was over being hurt easy. Maybe it's because I'm in a new relationship and I'm letting my guard down to another man? I told myself I wouldn't date anyone seclusive for a while after that last one... and I didn't. I ain't gon' lie... all I did was sex a couple kats up and I dipped. I know a lot of that was because I wasn't over KD and what he did to me... it's crazy how my body, mind and soul... is caring so much about Eazy. He makes me happy, which all relationships do in the beginning, but it's deeper than that and I'm scared because it's all happening so fast. I know he won't do anything to hurt me... but I'm scared of failure once again. If I have a failed relationship after this one, I'm not dating anyone for atleast 9 months. I can't say I won't date again, because I will, but I'm taking that time for me. Sometimes I can be okay and I just think about the girls my man sexed up before me and that shit be gettin' to me. I know it's over and it's the past and them girls ain't got shit on me and his relationship... but damn, I be wondering sometimes... if shit's the same with me as it was them. I don't think it would bother me as much if I hadn't met one of the bitches he fucced. After he sexed with her, she fell in love with him & was all about him. But it gets to me that he fucced her 3 times, and she told him, "if you didn't want a relationship, you shouldn't have had sex with me..." partially she right, I used to be naive that every guy that sexed me wanted to pursue something further, when it wasn't that at all. They saw access to cut and did it. I know I can't be getting mad about that because that was before me, but I guess it's because as I said... I've seen her, I know who she is, and she still wants my man. I don't play that shit. She hasn't ever said anything to me... and I'll be damned if she does now, because that's MY man. I just guess there's still insecurities in the back of my mind because of 90% of me exes cheating on me or lying to me. I know I can't bring that into the future, but shyt, sometimes you've got to protect yourself before settling down in a relationship thinking everythings all good. Hmm, this blog was pointless but I needed to get it outta my mind. I'll return the love... I'll be ghost until Sunday. Leave me some love... *sighs*
BUTTA bytched @ 1:14 PM
Monday, July 26, 2004
Ya'll feelin' the layout? I did it just to be a temp. layout because I wanted this song on my site... but I was feelin' the layout so I just decided to throw some tables on there and call it done. I've been sittin' here since 10:30 fixing my site and my live journal. Thanks to Latorria's LJ... I'm back on Live Journal.
Check my live journal out... here.
Ain't nothing really been going on except chillin' with "Eazy". I talked to my ex last night... he claims he's being on some real shit and he's maturing into a man and realizing things ain't the way they used to be with him. Whateva, I could care less. Don't get it twisted... I ain't missin' him or none of that, we just talked to see how each other been and what's been going on. I ain't even going to tell Earl that I spoke to Kadarrius, shit, Eazy's my baby, but I ain't trying to get him insecure of something's going on with my ex. Eazy's been cheated on by so many bitches it ain't funny and I know how insecurities can get. I ain't one to cheat... not with a lame ex anyways. But ya'll know I can't get in a conversation without fighting or getting mad with Kadarrius... shyt, this motha fucca wanna say my feelings for Earl is rebound because I'm still remembering what me and him had? KD... all we had was arguments, infidelity, pain, and sex. Why would I miss that when I got happiness? Happiness over rules all those. Shit, be real about it. Anyways...
I'm going to Proctor and Gamble today @ 4:00 to fill out that application for this job. They START off by paying $14.00 a hour. Shit, that's what the fucc I need. Lot of money... quick. Ross is hiring but you've got to be 18, I'm not 18 until like 3 months. Maybe they would work with me? I don't know. You never know how people gon' act. Anyways, I'm out.
BUTTA bytched @ 2:06 PM
Check my live journal out... here.
Ain't nothing really been going on except chillin' with "Eazy". I talked to my ex last night... he claims he's being on some real shit and he's maturing into a man and realizing things ain't the way they used to be with him. Whateva, I could care less. Don't get it twisted... I ain't missin' him or none of that, we just talked to see how each other been and what's been going on. I ain't even going to tell Earl that I spoke to Kadarrius, shit, Eazy's my baby, but I ain't trying to get him insecure of something's going on with my ex. Eazy's been cheated on by so many bitches it ain't funny and I know how insecurities can get. I ain't one to cheat... not with a lame ex anyways. But ya'll know I can't get in a conversation without fighting or getting mad with Kadarrius... shyt, this motha fucca wanna say my feelings for Earl is rebound because I'm still remembering what me and him had? KD... all we had was arguments, infidelity, pain, and sex. Why would I miss that when I got happiness? Happiness over rules all those. Shit, be real about it. Anyways...
I'm going to Proctor and Gamble today @ 4:00 to fill out that application for this job. They START off by paying $14.00 a hour. Shit, that's what the fucc I need. Lot of money... quick. Ross is hiring but you've got to be 18, I'm not 18 until like 3 months. Maybe they would work with me? I don't know. You never know how people gon' act. Anyways, I'm out.
BUTTA bytched @ 2:06 PM
Saturday, July 24, 2004
I'm back... I've been back in town since Wednesday but at my homegirl's house... and my man's. Ya'll know I couldn't go long without being with him. We just chilled tonight and talked about the future and where we're trying to go. He's on some real shit... it's about time I found one that got his head on right and being real with shit.
Anyways... I'm sitting here watching "Phone Booth" & wearing my man's ATL jersey, eating some shrimp and curly fries... them things is off the hook. I've got to get back on a diet. Everybody say I'm fine and shit, but ya'll know how us females get with our selves. We can be a size 6 and swear we looking like size 24. I'm not one of those skinny ass chiqq's with no shape and no curves. Shit, Beyonce ain't got shit on my kind. And whoever told ya'll if you got white in you, you can't be thick... shyt, better check that again. I've got thighs, hips and ass. lol. But as I said, I ain't no big ass chicc looking sloppy with it, I'm looking right... but I want to get where I want to be, feel me? My man's like 150 lbs. Don't get me wrong... he got some muscles on him, but damn... 150 small for a 21 yr old man. Anyways... I'm going back on my low carb, high protein diet. Atkin's is a miracle. Lose 1 lb. + more in 1 day... that's some crazy mess, but it's true. Now it's easier to be on a low carb diet because of all the things people are trying to come out with... but shyt, it works, believe me. In about 3 weeks, I was down 3 sizes.
Thanks for the comments, I will show ya'll love back, but I'm about to go to sleep. Got a day planned with my baby tomorrow.
BUTTA bytched @ 1:21 AM
Anyways... I'm sitting here watching "Phone Booth" & wearing my man's ATL jersey, eating some shrimp and curly fries... them things is off the hook. I've got to get back on a diet. Everybody say I'm fine and shit, but ya'll know how us females get with our selves. We can be a size 6 and swear we looking like size 24. I'm not one of those skinny ass chiqq's with no shape and no curves. Shit, Beyonce ain't got shit on my kind. And whoever told ya'll if you got white in you, you can't be thick... shyt, better check that again. I've got thighs, hips and ass. lol. But as I said, I ain't no big ass chicc looking sloppy with it, I'm looking right... but I want to get where I want to be, feel me? My man's like 150 lbs. Don't get me wrong... he got some muscles on him, but damn... 150 small for a 21 yr old man. Anyways... I'm going back on my low carb, high protein diet. Atkin's is a miracle. Lose 1 lb. + more in 1 day... that's some crazy mess, but it's true. Now it's easier to be on a low carb diet because of all the things people are trying to come out with... but shyt, it works, believe me. In about 3 weeks, I was down 3 sizes.
Thanks for the comments, I will show ya'll love back, but I'm about to go to sleep. Got a day planned with my baby tomorrow.
BUTTA bytched @ 1:21 AM
Friday, July 16, 2004
Thanks for the comments ya'll. But let me go ahead and say this... Earl's TRIFILIN' baby mama is back at it again. He call to speak to his daughter, Tasia, again, today... and the bitch say that he ain't talking to his daughter. Why? The stupid ass bitch say because it's her phone and since Tasia don't have a phone he ain't speaking with her until she's 18. Tasia is fucking 2 years old... come on now. He's being a man, paying child support, going to get his daughter on the weekends, calling to see how his daughter is... damn, most women only wish their baby daddy's would actually be a DAD and actually care about their children. But this bitch on some other shit. I always swore I'd never date a man who had kids, but it's different when you are faced with the oppurtunity and decision. When you're feeling someone like I was him and after you've been with so many fucking lames in the past and a good one comes along... you learn to take the bad with the good and the negatives with the positives. I mean, nobody's perfect, right? So, why should I pass up a good man just because he has kids? Hell no. He's mine, kids or no kids... he's a good man.
Anyways... I'll be out of town for the next few days. I'm getting out of Greensboro and into another environment for a while. I need a place to go relax and just chill, clear my head and thoughts of baby mama drama, trifilin' hatin' bitches, and away from the thought of school creepin' closer by the days. I just don't know how long my break from Greensboro is going to be... I can't leave my man that long. lol. Plus where I'm going they ain't got no long distance for free, so I can't be calling my area from that area. *frowns* I'll do it anyways... shit, I NEED to speak to my man if I can't see him.
BUTTA bytched @ 6:03 PM
Anyways... I'll be out of town for the next few days. I'm getting out of Greensboro and into another environment for a while. I need a place to go relax and just chill, clear my head and thoughts of baby mama drama, trifilin' hatin' bitches, and away from the thought of school creepin' closer by the days. I just don't know how long my break from Greensboro is going to be... I can't leave my man that long. lol. Plus where I'm going they ain't got no long distance for free, so I can't be calling my area from that area. *frowns* I'll do it anyways... shit, I NEED to speak to my man if I can't see him.
BUTTA bytched @ 6:03 PM
New layout!
I told ya'll I'd have a new layout up soon. I finally got in the mood to put it up... I was getting tired of seeing the same blue Petey Pablo layout. I'm really feelin' this one. I know ya'll remember "I'm Not Gon' Cry" was that joint back in the day. Waiting to Exhale... that's my movie. Leave me some feedback on the layout if ya'll feelin' it?
Anyways... me and my man doing good. We've been kickin' it almost every day that we can. I spent the night at his house on Monday with my homegirl and her man. I had fun... yeah, yeah... I ain't going into all that. Ya'll know the deal. He's already got 2 kids, he doesn't need another anytime, soon. I don't want to put my man's business up on the net like that, but 1 of his baby mom's is gettin' on my last nerve. It seems as since she already got a child she'd actually grow the fuck up, right? This bitch is so childish. She done got my man locked up for a few months, now since he out, she trying to start some shit up again. Then when Earl called to speak to his daughter Tasia, while he's in the middle of the conversation with his daughter, the bitch hang up the phone and don't bother to call back or answer his calls. That's his daughter... that's half of him, too... a child isn't just one person's responsibility or parent. I guess some bitches will never learn to grow the fuck up.
I don't have too much to say... but I'm looking for some more affiliates and link exchanges of people with interesting blogs that I'd like to read daily... such as Exhale and FlyChica. So, hit me up if you feelin' my site and think I'd feel yours.
BUTTA bytched @ 1:27 AM
I told ya'll I'd have a new layout up soon. I finally got in the mood to put it up... I was getting tired of seeing the same blue Petey Pablo layout. I'm really feelin' this one. I know ya'll remember "I'm Not Gon' Cry" was that joint back in the day. Waiting to Exhale... that's my movie. Leave me some feedback on the layout if ya'll feelin' it?
Anyways... me and my man doing good. We've been kickin' it almost every day that we can. I spent the night at his house on Monday with my homegirl and her man. I had fun... yeah, yeah... I ain't going into all that. Ya'll know the deal. He's already got 2 kids, he doesn't need another anytime, soon. I don't want to put my man's business up on the net like that, but 1 of his baby mom's is gettin' on my last nerve. It seems as since she already got a child she'd actually grow the fuck up, right? This bitch is so childish. She done got my man locked up for a few months, now since he out, she trying to start some shit up again. Then when Earl called to speak to his daughter Tasia, while he's in the middle of the conversation with his daughter, the bitch hang up the phone and don't bother to call back or answer his calls. That's his daughter... that's half of him, too... a child isn't just one person's responsibility or parent. I guess some bitches will never learn to grow the fuck up.
I don't have too much to say... but I'm looking for some more affiliates and link exchanges of people with interesting blogs that I'd like to read daily... such as Exhale and FlyChica. So, hit me up if you feelin' my site and think I'd feel yours.
BUTTA bytched @ 1:27 AM
Friday, July 09, 2004
Aight... I feel like being on some real shit for a minute...
Love can make you lonely, regardless if you're with someone or not. It's you giving a part of yourself to someone else... and it can make you or break you. You're giving someone permission to have a part of you only a few others will ever get the chance to recieve. You're giving someone permission to tear you down or build you up. But we all do it because we crave to know what love is and what it feels like. Sometimes we aren't even in love but we yearn to be "in love" so much that we fool our own minds to believe we love someone. There's no possible way you can have love without having trust. If you're missing trust... you might as well be alone in love. Healing takes time... for some it's days, others it's weeks, others it's months and sometime years. Depending on how you look at your relationship, it can be any of these. I learned through past relationships and past experiences that an ex is an ex for a reason. There's some damn good reason why they didn't make it to your future...
Some of you are confused of how I could sit here and write a month ago that I was missing my ex and I love him, blah, blah, blah, but now I've got a new man? Yeah, that's right, I do have a new man. Since February 6, 2004... I've been living my own life (SINGLE), doing what I gotta do, meeting so many guys, but NONE did I have feelings for. Point given... they were all fine or semi-fine... but what does good looks and a bad attitude get you with a man? Nowhere. So, it got to the point of all the guys I was meeting... none of them could compare to my ex, so 4 months later, I felt like I needed to get back right with him. Why? Only because I was starting to feel lonely, like I needed someone to share things with. But... now my heart and mind have changed. Some of you may think it's quick... but it's not. It's been 5 months since we've broke up and a month since I've felt any feelings for him. For one, all my ladies know how our emotions start flowin' when it's that time of the month, and how stressful it is to see your homegirl's with men treating them right, and how you just crave to have a man to just take you out to a movie or chill on the couch. A month is a long time if you think about it. Think about how many events happen in one day. Times that by 30 more days... how much shit has done happened in your life and emotions by a month? It's extreme isn't it? I'm over him. Point blank. OVER. DONE. It's a wrap. Closed the chapter to open a new beginning. Why stay with someone who can't tell the truth if their life depended on it? Why even want someone back when they cheated on you, why want to be with someone when you know you're setting yourself up for failure and a man that can't treat you right? Why would you want to be with a man who manipulates your mind? Someone so controlling... it's so wrong... so all you can do is turn YOURSELF around to make it right. Feel me?
My life's about to start... I started slowly knowing what I needed out of someone and I WASN'T going to go looking for it... I let it come to me... and it did. I needed someone who would love me, protect me, be there for me, invest in my dreams, trust, do things with me, have fun, make me laugh, smile... and most of all, someone to make me happy. I got all that. I have no insecurities about my man, none. He don't just sit his ass at home watching TV, always kicking it with his boys or talking to his girl "friends", at the club, or never home... We do things together, we have fun, we LAUGH, we TRUST... he HAS time for me... what more can I say? I know I got what I need... and there's no turning back now.
I know it was long, but I'm being on some real shit...
Butta <3's FlyChica, Shatira, Raquel, Holly, Ashley, Melina BUTTA bytched @ 10:38 AM
Love can make you lonely, regardless if you're with someone or not. It's you giving a part of yourself to someone else... and it can make you or break you. You're giving someone permission to have a part of you only a few others will ever get the chance to recieve. You're giving someone permission to tear you down or build you up. But we all do it because we crave to know what love is and what it feels like. Sometimes we aren't even in love but we yearn to be "in love" so much that we fool our own minds to believe we love someone. There's no possible way you can have love without having trust. If you're missing trust... you might as well be alone in love. Healing takes time... for some it's days, others it's weeks, others it's months and sometime years. Depending on how you look at your relationship, it can be any of these. I learned through past relationships and past experiences that an ex is an ex for a reason. There's some damn good reason why they didn't make it to your future...
Some of you are confused of how I could sit here and write a month ago that I was missing my ex and I love him, blah, blah, blah, but now I've got a new man? Yeah, that's right, I do have a new man. Since February 6, 2004... I've been living my own life (SINGLE), doing what I gotta do, meeting so many guys, but NONE did I have feelings for. Point given... they were all fine or semi-fine... but what does good looks and a bad attitude get you with a man? Nowhere. So, it got to the point of all the guys I was meeting... none of them could compare to my ex, so 4 months later, I felt like I needed to get back right with him. Why? Only because I was starting to feel lonely, like I needed someone to share things with. But... now my heart and mind have changed. Some of you may think it's quick... but it's not. It's been 5 months since we've broke up and a month since I've felt any feelings for him. For one, all my ladies know how our emotions start flowin' when it's that time of the month, and how stressful it is to see your homegirl's with men treating them right, and how you just crave to have a man to just take you out to a movie or chill on the couch. A month is a long time if you think about it. Think about how many events happen in one day. Times that by 30 more days... how much shit has done happened in your life and emotions by a month? It's extreme isn't it? I'm over him. Point blank. OVER. DONE. It's a wrap. Closed the chapter to open a new beginning. Why stay with someone who can't tell the truth if their life depended on it? Why even want someone back when they cheated on you, why want to be with someone when you know you're setting yourself up for failure and a man that can't treat you right? Why would you want to be with a man who manipulates your mind? Someone so controlling... it's so wrong... so all you can do is turn YOURSELF around to make it right. Feel me?
My life's about to start... I started slowly knowing what I needed out of someone and I WASN'T going to go looking for it... I let it come to me... and it did. I needed someone who would love me, protect me, be there for me, invest in my dreams, trust, do things with me, have fun, make me laugh, smile... and most of all, someone to make me happy. I got all that. I have no insecurities about my man, none. He don't just sit his ass at home watching TV, always kicking it with his boys or talking to his girl "friends", at the club, or never home... We do things together, we have fun, we LAUGH, we TRUST... he HAS time for me... what more can I say? I know I got what I need... and there's no turning back now.
I know it was long, but I'm being on some real shit...
Butta <3's FlyChica, Shatira, Raquel, Holly, Ashley, Melina BUTTA bytched @ 10:38 AM
Friday, July 02, 2004
Guess what ya'll? *drum roll*
I'M OVER KADARRIUS!
It took a good minute... but I finally opened my eyes to see he's no use to me and no good for me. I got in a wreck on the 22nd of June and it opened my eyes. None of this material shyt meant nothing to me anymore... long as I knew I had my life, my friends and my family, that's all I need to make it. The night I got in the wreck I called this fool's stupid ass and he asked if I was okay and I said I was hurting and that my homegirl in the back had to get 18 staples in her head and that my homegirl driving got a sprained ankle... but he felt like kickin' it with his friends was more important. So, you know, whatever... I took that last emotion of feeling let down by him and ran away from my problem. I feel no regrets. Nothing. Kadarrius and Cayla is over. The thought of love for him... over. COMPLETELY. As much as I never thought I'd say this... I've never felt this good in life as I do right now. The games, lies, deception, tears, pain and insecurities are over... and I REFUSE to go back down that road again with the future and the one I'm with now.
Yeah... I'm talking to someone new ya'll... and ain't no shyt about it... I ain't even got to ask anybody... I know he's the one that I can see myself with for a good minute. No questions... this man is straight up real and ain't shyt messin' this up. And he ain't in Texas neither. He right here 2 seconds up the street, so it ain't none of that long distance shit. Of all the dudes I've met and kicked it with and sexed up over the past 5 months... I know he the one I'm ready to be in that relationship with. Ain't nothing fuckin' this one up. Believe on that.
Aight ya'll I updated... I got a new layout coming soon, but I'm enjoying my summer right now and spending time with my homegirl's before they go to college and gettin' in good with my new partna. *smiles* Holla @ me. BUTTA bytched @ 12:41 PM
It took a good minute... but I finally opened my eyes to see he's no use to me and no good for me. I got in a wreck on the 22nd of June and it opened my eyes. None of this material shyt meant nothing to me anymore... long as I knew I had my life, my friends and my family, that's all I need to make it. The night I got in the wreck I called this fool's stupid ass and he asked if I was okay and I said I was hurting and that my homegirl in the back had to get 18 staples in her head and that my homegirl driving got a sprained ankle... but he felt like kickin' it with his friends was more important. So, you know, whatever... I took that last emotion of feeling let down by him and ran away from my problem. I feel no regrets. Nothing. Kadarrius and Cayla is over. The thought of love for him... over. COMPLETELY. As much as I never thought I'd say this... I've never felt this good in life as I do right now. The games, lies, deception, tears, pain and insecurities are over... and I REFUSE to go back down that road again with the future and the one I'm with now.
Yeah... I'm talking to someone new ya'll... and ain't no shyt about it... I ain't even got to ask anybody... I know he's the one that I can see myself with for a good minute. No questions... this man is straight up real and ain't shyt messin' this up. And he ain't in Texas neither. He right here 2 seconds up the street, so it ain't none of that long distance shit. Of all the dudes I've met and kicked it with and sexed up over the past 5 months... I know he the one I'm ready to be in that relationship with. Ain't nothing fuckin' this one up. Believe on that.
Aight ya'll I updated... I got a new layout coming soon, but I'm enjoying my summer right now and spending time with my homegirl's before they go to college and gettin' in good with my new partna. *smiles* Holla @ me. BUTTA bytched @ 12:41 PM
